Monday, November 25, 2013

[SATIRE] GOP Plan: Escape Big Government through Space Launch of Firstborn

Republicans on Thursday unveiled their fix to Obamacare, a plan to launch their offspring into outer space. The party hopes their children will carry their ideas to another, distant planet more inclined to laissez-faire economics.

The $1.2 trillion effort would see the firstborn of every Republican loaded onto a rocket and fired across the solar system with only a swaddling cloth and their choice of a selected work of Ayn Rand to keep them company across the vast emptiness of the interstellar abyss.

Speaker of the House John Boehner, who has called Obamacare “a devouring flame” and has twice warned the Obama administration that the planet’s fate has been sealed, hailed the plan.

“With the disastrous rollout of the website, the cancellation of individual policies, and the flawed economics of this law, it is clear that there will be no escape from a fiery chain reaction that will consume our world,” said Boehner, before holding his wife in a final embrace.

Asked whether the Republicans could attempt more modest fixes to the law, Boehner laughed without interruption for three minutes and then declared the tides of the apocalypse unstoppable. “We warned you,” added Majority Leader Eric Cantor while tucking his child into a rocket. “We warned you all and you didn’t listen!”

The newly-unveiled space program is slated to roll out across a period of four weeks, but rocket production has already been delayed by miscommunications between NASA and numerous defense contractors.

Edited Dec. 1, 2013 to note that the story is satire. In case you could not tell.

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