Republicans
on Thursday unveiled their fix to Obamacare, a plan to launch their offspring
into outer space. The party hopes their children will carry their ideas to
another, distant planet more inclined to laissez-faire economics.
The
$1.2 trillion effort would see the firstborn of every Republican loaded onto a
rocket and fired across the solar system with only a swaddling cloth and their
choice of a selected work of Ayn Rand to keep them company across the vast
emptiness of the interstellar abyss.
Speaker
of the House John Boehner, who has called Obamacare “a devouring flame” and has
twice warned the Obama administration that the planet’s fate has been sealed,
hailed the plan.
“With
the disastrous rollout of the website, the cancellation of individual policies,
and the flawed economics of this law, it is clear that there will be no escape
from a fiery chain reaction that will consume our world,” said Boehner, before
holding his wife in a final embrace.
Asked
whether the Republicans could attempt more modest fixes to the law, Boehner
laughed without interruption for three minutes and then declared the tides of
the apocalypse unstoppable. “We warned you,” added Majority Leader Eric Cantor
while tucking his child into a rocket. “We warned you all and you didn’t
listen!”
The
newly-unveiled space program is slated to roll out across a period of four weeks,
but rocket production has already been delayed by miscommunications between
NASA and numerous defense contractors.
Edited Dec. 1, 2013 to note that the story is satire. In case you could not tell.
Edited Dec. 1, 2013 to note that the story is satire. In case you could not tell.
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