In
response to a new, anarchist-driven “dark web” site that offers bounties on the heads of various government officials ranging from President Barack Obama to
Fed chairman Ben Bernanke, the Secret Service released a statement Friday
offering to shoot any would-be assassins in the head “totally for free.”
“We
believe in the free market,” said Secret Service chief Julia Pierson, “and our
services are being offered at a much leaner, competitive price. We offer to
shoot would-be assassins in the head for no bounty at all. In fact, we kind of
like it.”
Pierson
said the Secret Service is also more reliable than competitors, assuring
would-be killers a “bullet through the brainstem” at high velocity and surprising
distances for only a modest government stipend already paid to all Secret
Service employees.
“I
mean, we already have them on the payroll standing around the president,”
Pierson said, “In today’s competitive market you really do have to offer a full
range of products. Shooting anarchist assassins through the face is just one of
the many services we provide.”
