[SATIRE] Secret Service counter-offer to crowd-funded assassination: "We shoot for free"

In response to a new, anarchist-driven “dark web” site that offers bounties on the heads of various government officials ranging from President Barack Obama to Fed chairman Ben Bernanke, the Secret Service released a statement Friday offering to shoot any would-be assassins in the head “totally for free.”

“We believe in the free market,” said Secret Service chief Julia Pierson, “and our services are being offered at a much leaner, competitive price. We offer to shoot would-be assassins in the head for no bounty at all. In fact, we kind of like it.”

Pierson said the Secret Service is also more reliable than competitors, assuring would-be killers a “bullet through the brainstem” at high velocity and surprising distances for only a modest government stipend already paid to all Secret Service employees.

“I mean, we already have them on the payroll standing around the president,” Pierson said, “In today’s competitive market you really do have to offer a full range of products. Shooting anarchist assassins through the face is just one of the many services we provide.”