[SATIRE] Credentials Can Now be Won or Forfeited through Debate

A drunk Department of Education official enacted new regulations late Saturday night, requiring anyone who loses an argument while appealing to their credentials to forfeit those credentials to their opponent.

Department of Education Undersecretary Melinda Waltz entitled the new rule, which was hastily scrawled onto the back of a TGI Fridays napkin, the “My Husband Dr. Carl Waltz is a Cheating Man Whore” rule, shortened Tuesday by the Washington Post to the Right of Amitto Nomen.

“I’m just sick and tired of him telling me that I’m ‘withholding’ and ‘emotionally withdrawn’ and ‘cheating with my job.’ He apparently thinks it’s his job to put his dick in a bunch of coeds. Maybe I don’t have a Ph.D in psychology, but to me, that’s why we have that goddamn word—‘cheating,’” said Dr. Waltz, who by law took possession of her husband’s Ph.D early Sunday morning.

The rule was disorienting at first and caused considerable blow-back from doctors, lawyers, professors, scientists, and philosophers.

“This is simply unacceptable, and the latest instance of the toxic anti-intellectualism plaguing America,” said ex-Nobel-prize winning economist Paul Krugman.

“Lol,” responded current Nobel-Prize winner SuckMyWingNutz17.

Documents for credential transfers flooded in to the Department of Education last week, with reports indicating several thousand college graduates have already lost their degrees. Those holding Bachelors in English or computer science were hardest hit.

However, up to two thirds of the applications filed against alleged “scientists” and “engineers” are null, owing to the fact that real scientists and engineers have better things to do than get into internet arguments.

Universities around the country moved quickly to protect their alumni. What remained of their philosophy departments worked rapidly to assemble tip-sheets on how to avoid appeals to authority and disseminated them widely through social media.

Congress called an emergency session early Monday to pass a law that shielded political offices from the new rules, but not before ex-Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy lost his seat on the nation’s highest court to cab driver Estevan Loor.

“So, he says to me, ‘I’m a Supreme Court justice, I think I know the best way across town this time of day,’” said Loor. “I tried to warn him.”

Loor was sworn in Wednesday morning and, at the age of 43, will likely remain the swing vote on the Court for some time.

Rules for challenging people to public debate for their titles are still being formulated, but the process is being referred to by reporters as “Agni Kai.”